A guide to sports-bar screaming

by Caitlin Sussman | Layout & Design

When you watch live sports, you are opting into the emotional realities of thousands of people. There is joy and pain and amazement and crushing despair. After the Red Sox won the World Series on Oct. 30, my friend Danny was to be found in the top of a tree belting “Tessie” at the top of his lungs. On a Wednesday. At midnight. People have feelings about sports. And nothing says “feelings” like “yelling”! So keep this guide near you when you’re around Seahawks fans this season, and reference it as needed.

• This is quarterback Russell Wilson’s second year as a Seahawk, and a pro player, and while usually there is a lot of pressure on the QB he seems to have yet to earn a special set of yells. He does a lot of charity work, though, and seems like a pretty nice guy, so I don’t mind not yelling at him.

• Any time runningback Marshawn Lynch does a thing, scream “BEAST MODE” as loudly as you can. This is also a Twitter hashtag used by the official Seahawks account. Also feel free to compliment his shoes. The man has been fined (really!) for the snazziness of his shoes.

• Commentators are not safe from the yelling. Neckties are a personal favorite target for my disdain, as they allow me to get angry about a choice the commentator has made without actually judging them as a person or revealing my complete ignorance of the quality of their commentary.

• You’re always, always mad at Bob Costas. I don’t know why.

• There are, of course, lines not to cross in this verbal assault. They follow the basic tenants of “Things You Don’t Yell At Your Bros Because Even Though There Is Yelling There Are Also Some Things That Are Just Too Much.” If someone in your party commits this faux-pas, you are perfectly valid delivering a judgmental glare lasting approximately four seconds.

• Sometimes a good sports-fueled yell isn’t enough, and now someone is rushing at you, arms raised! They are probably attempting a chest-bump. Gauge relative size, speed, and inebriation and engage accordingly. If, like me, you’re not into physical contact with drunken strangers, pretend to notice something incredibly interesting on a far-away wall and side-step their rush. If, like Boyfriend and Danny, you are insane, do this as frequently as possible and then wonder the next day why your shoulders are sore.

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